the friend zone.

Ok. Be ready to read the funniest story you've read all day. 

Remember what I said two posts ago about the friend zone, and how I always put people in it? 

If you don't remember that or didn't read it, you should probably scroll down and read it before you go any further with this lovely post.

Ok fine, I'll give you a little recap: Basically, I put people in the friend zone. That is just what I do (orrr, umm, what I did and will nost likely start to do again). Instead of dealing with the drama of dating and feeling vulnerable by putting my feelings on the line, I would just friend zone every guy I met before he even got the chance to decide if he liked me. Sometimes before he even knew my name if I felt so inclined. Well, after writing that post I decided I need to do better and I started making a conscious effort to keep people out of the friend zone. I thought I was doing a pretty good job until the following events transpired this week. I've since decided that my little "I'm done friend-zoning" stint ... its over. 

Oh, and remember my post before the friend zone one about karma?! 

Those two posts + what happened to me this week = HILARIOUS. 



Below are two screen shots from my phone of what happened to me in real life this week. 
(If this doesn't make you laugh then there is something wrong with you)

ohhh and don't forget this next one too: 

Booya!!! 

Yep. 

That's right. 

I was friend zoned twice. 

In a matter of two days. 

By two different guys. 

Through two classy text messages. 

Talk about karma coming back around! 

:)

It is a good thing that I wanted to be "just friends" with these two guys anyway. They're super fun! 




#YOYASO baby! Live it up!

the quest to become mysterious.

Upon watching the Bachelor (yes, I know, embarrassing), a roommate and I experienced a moment of epiphany. We discovered a new truth. A new truth that, if sought after and obtained, will bring meritorious results.

My roommate, we'll call her Lassie (haha), and I were cogitating (a synonym for "pondering", of course) upon the show and that led us to cogitate upon some people in our social circles and then, finally to cogitate upon our own lives. Have we done enough cogitating yet?

Two of the truths we discovered are these:
-Girls like guys who are mysterious.
-Guys like girls who are mysterious.
_________________________________________
EDIT: Some recent experiences have caused me to put a little edit in this blog post: There is a difference between MYSTERIOUS and STRAIGHT UP STRANGE. Don't cross the line. It is not very cute.
_________________________________________
Ok, back to my story....

And finally, the most sobering and blatantly obvious truth of all:
 -We are nooooottt too mysterious.

Its true. I tell everyone everything. Like, ev. ree. thing. If you don't already know that then you've probably never met me. Hey thanks for reading the blog! You're now about to get to know me a wholeeee lot better.

I mean, remember how I like to make people feel awkward? Remember how I've been known to talk about such things as pinball machines, my whole life story, and my that one time my grandmother sang karaoke on New Year's Eve with random strangers? Yeah. So not mysterious. 

So.... Lassie and I decided it was time for a social experiment. We thought to ourselves, who are the most mysterious people we know?! 

Why, they're hipsters! Of course! 

I can't figure them out? Can you?

So we proceeded to dress up like hipsters and live a mysterious life for a night. 

Lets just say, I did not succeed. I thought I was doing soooo good. 

Then Lassie caught this on film: Doing the splits. I've still got it!

The proof is in the pudding, mis amigos. 

I'm just not mysterious.


:)

I'm the problem.

I have a problem.

It's a new problem, not one I've always had.

My problem is this: I'm socially exhausted. I just don't feel like dealing with dating or anything of that sort because it is just kinda dramatic and tiring ya know? Like, I realize that it should be fun and that it is necessary for exaltation, but sometimes I'm just not sure if it's worth the energy.

That's a terrible attitude, right?

So what's my latest and greatest solution that has just kinda been happening? The friend zone.

I just friend zone em all. I did it consciously at first but now it just kinda happens.

How do I friend zone em you may ask? I have my ways. Generally, I ask them about other girls they could like. I ask them about dates they've been on. I even tell them I'll set them up with other girls. Haha. It's just easier that way. Right?

Then I end up in this slightly awkward position.

It's great fun, really.


Do you ever do the same thing? Or am I just strange?

Depending on your answers those could have been rhetorical questions.

The end.

:)

Bro-tips 2-5

I've been pondering long and hard just what I should post as the second bro-tip.  There are just so many ideas in this head of mine.  So we'll see what comes out of my fingers and onto your screen.

Sound good?

So I thought I'd start by addressing my Bambi-ness.

Remember when Bambi is learning to walk and his legs look like noodles and he trips like every second?  Yeah, well thats how my family says I look when I play sports.

I didn't believe them until I looked back through this album: My Adventures on Wipeout


and until I watched this:

My wakeboarding skills have improved since then.  I promise.  

So that is the Bambi story.  Aside from looking like an uncoordinated long and lanky piece of work, I absolutely love playing sports.  I love watching sports.  I just kinda love sports.  

Sooooooo lets talk about this for a minute.  

I feel like you can learn a LOT about a guy by the way he plays sports.  

Based on my observations over the years, I thought I'd share the following bro-tips with you!

Enjoy :)

Ok. Bro-tip #2:  Hot heads = no bueno.

Seriously.  HUGE turn off: When a guy is a hot head when playing sports.  Or really all the time, but I feel like hot-head-ness comes out most when a guy is playing sports.  I'm all about being competitive and playing hard... but getting all crazy slash in your face slash I'm going to bash your head in is not cute or impressive.  Its just embarrassing.  

Bro-tip #3:  Don't be a sore loser.

There are few things less attractive than a sore loser.  If you lose, give credit where credit is due and move on with your life!  Being all angry and coming up with a million excuses doesn't make you look cool.  It makes you look like a tool.  Its a GAME dang it, and your little theatrics are kinda making you look like a baby.  

Bro-tip #4:  Ok this one is kinda tricky but its just as important as the others.  When you play sports with a girl: Don't let her win.  Seriously.  Go hard!  Ok, not too hard, but play for real!  I get so annoyed when I go play sports with guys and they're all "ohh she's a girl, we'll go easier"... and I'm like... "homeboy.  Its game time".   IF you do choose to not put this handy little tip into practice... AT LEAST turn those theatrics on and make it look like you're trying hard. 

Bro-tip #5:  Oh my goodness please please please don't be a victim.  

This doesn't just apply to sports but it really applies to life.  Going around thinking the world is out to get you is NOT a good look for you.  Its exhausting.  You know what a victim is, right?  Somebody who is the victim is always thinking they have the worst life ever and its way worse than anybody else's could ever be.  They don't just think that, they make sure EVERYBODY knows it.  Their glass is not just half empty, their glass is the most half empty glass ever in the history of the world because one of their friends drank from it and left their finger prints on it and its really ugly and they just want a new glass because this one just won't do. Nobody wants a victim.  Own up.  Perk up.  And maybe even shut up (if you need to). :)

Karma is real.

Yep.  

I'm awkward. Socially. ..and probably emotionally too. And DEFINITELY physically.  In fact, my family calls me Bambi when we play sports.  Isn't that so mean? haha, but that's a story for another day!  

Ok so I had grandest epiphany last night.

Here's the story.

Just FYI:  We're about to become a lot better friends. ;)

K so probably my number one hobby for the first 21 years of my life was making people feel awkward.  Really.  Just ask any of my friends and they'll tell you I did a pretty decent job.  I just loved being awkward (on purpose) and watching people squirm in the awkwardness of our conversations or my actions or whatever it may have been.

Ok, I know you're nearly having a hernia wanting some examples so here you go:  Exhibit A: I used to give what I affectionately call the "nuzzle hug"... in which I randomly, without anticipation or invitation on his part, just nuzzle into a man I'm hugging like a happy little kitten.  Like I'm HIS happy little kitten. Like its my first nuzzle.  Its not weird.  Ok, maybe it is.  And maybe I actually did it last night (but that was the first time since before my mission, haha). I don't even like cats.  Like, at all.  K, moving on to Exhibit B:  I used to (ok maybe sometimes I still do, but only when the timing is too perfect not to) add "but you want to" when somebody says "I don't know him/her very well" or "I don't get him/her".  Exhibit C:  I used to ... Who am I kidding? I STILL ask people TONS of questions when getting to know them that maybe make them feel awkward.  Like, "Did you have any experiences in your childhood that hindered your growth and creativity?" That's a quality question.  You can tell a lot about a person by how they respond to that question.  

EDIT: Wow.  I just read through that last paragraph and I feel like a TOTAL creeper. 

Ok. Proceed. 

So then I go on a mission, right?  And when you're a missionary... being socially awkward is cool.  Like, its just what you do.  It's encouraged even!  Like, who rides a bike around in a skirt in 120 degree weather and talks to everybody they see?  Pretty much only missionaries!  Who offers to help strangers in any way they can and who asks to share a message at dinner?  Just missionaries.  Who has a 9:00 curfew?  Who gets out of a passenger's seat to back a vehicle out of a parking stall when there are absolutely no other cars in the parking lot?  Who shares a cell phone?  You get the picture. :)  ((I miss being a missionary)).  A missionary knows where the social boundaries are and just happily rides right past them all the time.  Like pretty much every second of every day.  Its so great. 

So then fast forward a year and a half and I'm back home, right?!  Oh my awkward!  Its so funny because you've just spent a year and a half being SUPER awkward and then you get home and you're expected to just slide right back into society.  The world expects it to be an EVENT and not a PROCESS.  Let me just tell you... the adjustment for me has been quite the process.  Let me also tell you that I'm pretty sure that process is not going to be over any time soon. 

Sooooo, the epiphany I had last night as I was driving with a friend and we were talking about how awkward I am was this: Karma is real, and I am socially awkward.

It is real.  I have been the most socially awkward person for the past three months and it is rough. I know part of it is because of the mission... but I also realized last night that part of it is simply karma.  Not to get all Justin Timberlake on you... but "what goes around comes back around".   I don't like feeling awkward, but I feel SUPER awkward in like every social setting.  Especially around boys.  Oh man.  That is the worst.  Its like I completely forgot how to interact with people.  I can handle petty pleasantries but when it gets past that I totally freak out inside (and sometimes I think that awkward internal freak out bleeds through to the outside...... ok, actually I think it ALWAYS does and that's part of the reason I'm so awkward) because I'm like... "eeeehhh. Well I'm fresh out of conversation ideas.  What do we talk about now?" all while trying to do some belly breathing that I learned in the missionary health guide to stay calm.  Ok, actually I never opened that book.  Oops.  Perhaps I should have!  That would have solved a lot of my problems. 

I'm a crazy. 

So I have this noise I make when I feel awkward.  It goes like this: EeeeeEEeeehhhHhhhh.  It kinda sounds like a less intense version of Kronk's personal theme music in Emperor's New Groove.  I basically find myself making that noise every day.  All day.  It somehow makes me feel better.  I dare you to try it. 

Ok so I probably deserve it, right?  Right.  But I sure am ready to feel normal again.  Whatever normal is nowadays, anyway.

And now a quote from Robert Pattinson himself: 

Yep.  I've never identified so well with him.

Is that awkward that I just quoted Robert Pattinson?


EeeeeeEEEEeeehhhHhhhh. 


The end.

Just a friendly bro-tip.

bro tip #1: Always get her door. 

Just do it.

Even if you're just friends and she's not pretty and she smells bad.  Just open her door for her. 

Really.  Its not that hard. 

Don't just be a gentleman when you like a girl.  Be a gentleman ALL THE TIME. 

You'll score bigger points that way. 

Just sayin'.